Reflections over the last year...

This last year has been a rather difficult one for me. I went through several crushed hopes, difficult situations, and hurtful words from individuals who were, at one time, very close to me. I kept all my emotions and hurt deep inside and tried not to think about the doubts that were building up in me. However, that method didn't turn out so well and everything bubbled over early this year, into something that cascaded into one, big mess. I felt so lost, confused, and torn up. I longed for the earlier days of when I had been passionate about God and had been able to feel Him nearby. Now, I couldn't hear Him, see Him, or even sense His presence. It felt so dark and empty. I ached for Him, but was so lost, I had no clear direction of how to get to Him. So I kept praying through my tears.

Several months ago, I felt Him reach down and give me a vision of Himself rescuing me from the battle I had been fighting. He whispered it wouldn't be an immediate recovery, but, rest assured, He would heal my wounds slowly over time. Ever since then, I've felt Him bringing me back, piece by piece. I finally now feel whole again and completely restored. He is so faithful.

Life can be difficult, but I just want you (whoever is reading this) to know that He will bring you through whatever you are facing. Rely on Him. He loves you more then you'll ever realize. I sometimes didn't know if I'd make it through and some days seemed so heavy, I wanted to end it right then and there. However, sometimes what seems like the end is really just the beginning. Many times, God has to bring you to your end, so you realize how much you need Him. Sometimes, you must be so emptied of yourself, despite how much it may hurt, so that He can fill you up with Himself. The fiercer your fire, the more refined you'll emerge from it. I told God that I only wanted Him and to get rid of everything that stands in the way, no matter the pain. I guess He decided to take me up on it!

Several quotes that have meant a lot to me the last few days;

• The School of Christ (ok, this is a tad bit longer then a simple quote, but it's good)
  
  The School of Christ must break us before it can build us. It must exact so that it might fill. It must first conquer so that the Almighty King can rule. It must bring storm before it invades with triumphant peace. For the Gospel to be understood aright and to be exercised in its fullness in the soul of man, the ruin of man’s inner domain must first be exposed. For the benevolent take-over of our existence to commence, we first must realize the vast extent of our need for rescue. God has a plan to regenerate our lives, to wholly and completely reconstruct and reform us, to in a sense, rebirth a whole new existence within our being. He has a design to conform us to the image of His Son (Rom 8:29), to pattern us after the perfect temple (Ezekiel 40:3).

• The proof that we have the vision is that we are reaching out for more than we have grasped. It is a bad thing to be satisfied spiritually.
  Oswald Chambers

• You will ask me, are you satisfied? Have you got all you want? God forbid. With the deepest feeling of my soul can I say that I am satisfied with Jesus now; but there is also the consciousness of how much fuller the revelation can be of the exceeding abundance of His grace. Let us never hesitate to say, ‘This is only the beginning.’
  Andrew Murray

If you haven't already, read any books by Eric or Leslie Ludy. They have been spiritual mentors of mine since I was 13. If you are a girl, I *highly* recommend Authentic Beauty. They also have small group sessions that they have taped and you can download their informal messages at their website: http://www.setapartlife.com/. I have not listened to them all, so I'm not fully endorsing everything they say, but I love what I've heard so far.

Well, I'm scooting off. Anna and Alex have set up a tent in our backyard and as the night falls, nature screeches, and dogs howl, I do believe they are awaiting my arrival anxiously (with plenty of flashlights and hanging on tightly to our dog for a sense of security). Little do they know, I don't think I'll be much help. I'll probably be shaking more then them! LOL.

Thanks to those who have been praying for me. It's greatly appreciated. Blessings!